Tuesday, January 31, 2006

3/2 PM Update - let's do math!

Food roster so far ...

A delicious, yet high calorie bagel with 2 tablespoons of cream cheese - yikes, 600 calories.

Carrots for snacking - totaling around 100 calories.

That Mountain Dew I couldn't stop myself from drinking - 300 calories.

Soup for lunch - 180 calories.

So far for today = 1180 calories, which leaves me 320 calories for dinner. Okay, so I'm going to unwind with two beers at 80 a pop - so that's 160 and that leaves 160 for dinner. I'm thinking of soup - that will put me over just by 20 and I'll work it off prior at the gym :)


Weight: 153.5

To go?13.5 - 18.5
Vegas: 8.5
Summerfest: 13.25

Finally! The scale moved! I'm getting down there, I just have to stay focused and watch what I eat. It's a bit easier when the work shows on the scale ...

Today I did cardio, the knee raise machine, hip abductor and chest press. Signed up to go back tonight at 6 - would ideally like to do cardio, shoulder press and rowing machine. Gotta keep it up :) i'm already snacking on carrots.

Monday, January 30, 2006

What I look like today ...

Curves and all - here's a good shot of how my back looks (not turning around yet ...) after losing 40 lbs - hoping to trim it down a bit, but it doesn't look all too bad!

Snacking on Carrots ...

Did you know that 10.5 baby carrots is only 35 calories! Snack away :)

Weight: 154.5

So - that's down .75lbs which is good but could be better! I slipped a couple times last week and am determined not to do that this week.

I went to the gym at lunch again - that is always refreshing! It's going to be a late night, so I won't be able to hit it up again this evening but I will be there tomorrow morning. Besides that, I'm going to be entering into a photography contest, so I'll work on those photos tonight instead.

A Little Piece of Me

I just posted this on my other blog as well - but it show's promise. This is my waist, the left 1/2 of my body to be exact. standing almost butt naked. Check it out, it curves in and doesn't flop out! That's darn exciting right there!

Truth is I'm not ready to take it all off for the camera - but I am ready to show off bits and pieces to remind myself I'm fabulous and I absolutely adore this tattoo so why the hell not.

More pics to come to remind me of progress ...

Start of Three ...

I haven't been very fabulous lately, I've been very NOT fabulous. I'm going to try and go to the gym over lunch and again after work - after all we need to see where I'll be starting week three at - on the wagon, off it, underneath it's spinning wheels ...

I didn't over eat this weekend, so I'm hoping that's reflected on the scale when I get to the gym. My house is finally clean - now it's time to work on my desk and I'm going to put in some effort into finding a new job again (maybe one with a signing bonus).

The things I know I need to fix right now in my life are:

(1) MOVE OUT! I can't be independent in my dad's basement.
(2) Get financially somewhere, have a savings account.
(3) Look for a new job and get it - or the chance to get it.

I feel like if I can accomplish those three things, I can actually get on the road to feeling fabulous.

Friday, January 27, 2006


The inches made me very happy yesterday - gained 1 in the waste, stayed neutral in the chest but chucked two on the hips - so pretty good sign.

My knee throbbed this morning so I gave it a break from the AM workout - I plan on hitting the gym up after work though and getting in some kind of workout.

I'm chowing on a 600 calorie bagel right now, balanced out with an 80 calorie apple, I'm going to have to watch real close what else I consume today... for lunch I brought a SmartOnes 180 calorie shrimp marinara. Since it is the weekend, I'm going to try and stay around the 1500 mark today - but by lunch I'll have already chowed 940. Ouch.

I toyed with the idea of working out over lunch, but I'm more interested in getting out of here at a decent time tonight - so I'm not even going to pressure myself!

Thursday, January 26, 2006


Weight: 154.75

Chest: 36
Waist: 29
Hips: 35

How much to go? 14.75 - 19.75 lbs.

Weightloss: Yeah me! I went to the gym over lunch and worked out a quick cardio at level 3 for 7 minutes, then did the seated leg press followed by that machine that you hang off of (I should look at the names).

As a treat to myself, I left work a bit early and did 8 minutes of cardio at 2, followed by 20 minutes in the tanning bed and (my treat) 15 minutes in the sauna. I was pretty wiped, felt like I should have kicked out more - but really just wanted to shower and get out!

Why you shouldn't weigh yourself 3X during the day ...
AM: 155.25
Afternoon: 156
PM: 154.75
That's how quick your weight goes up/down a day.

To eat I had two apples (80 calories each) for breakfast, a "SmartOnes" 6pt Weightwatchers meal at 290 calories, a salad for dinner (?? not sure how many calories) and a WeightWatchers toffee bar for dessert. My guess is my intake was probably around 1200 calories today, not too bad.

Broken Wagon Wheel (Almost)

Last night was bad, bad, bad. I have to remember that pizza is a weakness and undoubtley will cause my weight gain to go up but I still ate a piece and a half while lounging and watching TV at my mom's then went home. I'm trying to keep in the right mind set so I was cleaning up my bathroom. In one of the drawers I found a bulky emergency kit that I had never opened and decided to get rid of it and just put the elements in the cabinet. There it was, a small bottle of Ipecac. I sat on the floor with it in my hand and thought that I could get rid of the pizza in five minutes.

I started the shower and sat on the floor fondling the bottle but (thank god!) I had a flashback from two years ago doing the exact same thing - right before my realization that I couldn't keep doing that to my body and it wasn't worth the quick fix. I threw the bottle out. The wheel might be broken, but at least it's fixable.

I am so ashamed that I even thought about it last night. I've hit rock bottom and I can feel it. For the first time in two years I thought about all the bad things I could do to myself at that moment just to forget everything that was going on. One line of coke, one joint, one shot. Thank goodness that I don't talk to anyone with access to those things anymore. I laid awake in bed and ignored the 200 phone calls that I received in ten minutes. I just needed a break from everything. I went to bed at 10 and tossed and turned all night.

When I woke up this morning I hit the alarm six times - a total of an hour. Then I conned myself into actually getting out of bed. A sharp pain went through my leg - too much on the old knee cap and for a minute I thought I could go back to sleep and skip the gym. Then I thought about my goals. I knew I would be up on the scale, should I let that win? I didn't let my past conqueor me last night and I wouldn't let a sore knee do that to me. Plus, maybe it was just stiff? So I got out of bed, put on my "skinny" sweater and headed to the gym.

Scale said 155.25, that's a gain. Knee was sore (not stiff) so I cranked out 24 minutes on the bike at level one. I was dripping wet. No weights, but I signed up to go back after work and I might try to go over lunch.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

25 things about me that most 25 year olds can't say.

As inspired by "15 things you must do by the time your 30," I'm attempting to put together a list of things I've done that not alot of people can say. Some things are important and should be considered, some are just odd quarks to let you know a little bit about me. It's on-going right now, but just wanted to start getting it on paper (or computer screen - you know, whatever).

(1) I've traveled alone.
(2) I had a short stint as a soft-core porn photographer.
(3) I've been published in a coffee book for pictures that I've taken (not of porn).
(4) I've been a groupie for a band.
(5) I was the first to graduate from college in my immediate family.
(6) I've been engaged, and had the smarts to call it off.
(7) I can crotchet.
(8) I can't remember the real color of my hair.
(9) I've had sex at a ballpark.
(10) I've had three body piercings (see #4 for explanation)
(11) I've written over 100 articles for a pub I will some day publish.
(12) For one summer, I was the sh*t.

Good start. :)

2/3 - New Goals and Inspirations

Weight: 154.75

How much to go? 14.75 - 19.75 lbs.

Weightloss: I went to the gym this morning with new determination. I've been slacking, and while it's a good time making up excuses, it's not accomplishing my goals. It's time for a bit of re-evaluation, I've been stuck in the 50s going on two months and it's time to break into the 40s!

New Goals:
1: Vegas countdown, 9 weeks. One pound a week - that's 9 lbs puts me in a bikini.
2: Summerfest countdown, 20 weeks. Let's be realistic, I'd like to say one pound continued after Vegas, but I'll falter. Therefore 20 weeks minus the Vegas goal is 9lbs. The remainder of 11 weeks, goal will be 1/2 a pound. That means 14.5 pounds in 20 weeks. Realistic, yes. .25lbs from high end of goal - even better. :)

Lifestyle: I could entertain you with the dirty details of my not-so-great night last night, or I could direct you to my other blog Single in the City . Lifestyle isn't the most fabulous right now, but I'm accepting my position in life.

Affirmation of the Day: I am fabulous, my shoulders are defined and check out my collar bone. Damn, I am sexy. Repeat ten times.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Day Two/Week Two

Weight: 155.25

How much to go? 15.25 - 20.25 lbs.

Weightloss: So, better than I thought - though I was a bum this morning at the gym. The weekend led to a nasty fall on the ski hill which screwed up my knee cap pretty bad. The swelling is going down; however, the stiffness is still there. I managed to plug out 15 minutes at level two during cardio, 30 at 35 on the chest press and 50 at 50 on the ab machine. Not overly impressive, but something got done. I'm going to try and go back this afternoon and I signed up to tan at 6:05 to get in an evening work out. Tomorrow is league night, but I'm thinking of skipping it this week to work on a little more "me" things.

Lifestyle: During this weekend's rendevous, my older brother posed a question - "Do you have any friends? Dad and I were disussing that the other night." I said, "Of course I do. He complains I'm never home - where does he think I am? Sitting at a bar by myself?" Then he informed me there is a big difference between friends and drinking buddies. That got me thinking, all my "friend" encounters do revolve around drinking and I haven't been doing that lately, so I haven't been hanging out with my "friends" per say. I didn't let him know this - but really, all my true friends live out of state. Sad but true. So, my goal for the next couple of months is to establish a friend. The other thing that he brought up was the factor that most of my friends are male - males with whom I've occassionally made out with or had sex with. This brought up another good point in a lifestyle change I need to make.

Cleaning house: Yes, I did it. I started cleaning, there's a lot of garbage I have to take out - but it's getting there. I also did a hellauv a lot of laundry. Still, with the piles of clean clothes in the basket, I managed to wear a stained shirt today. That's what I get for picking out clothes at dawn. So, the next goal is to finish cleaning and to save time in the AM, pick out my clothes for the next day the day before.

Time to eat an apple!

Monday, January 23, 2006

Week One Done. The Start of Week Two.

This is already a horrible start. I was up all night contemplating how I might come up with a couple grand quick so that I might move out of my dad's place and work on the mental health thing. I didn't do the gym all weekend because I was in the U.P of Michigan skiing (which is good cardio) - but then there was all that junk food and the delicious coffee drinks with Baileys in them.

I came home to a note from my wonderful father which promptly said that he thinks it's great that I'm taking care of my body; however, it's his house and my place needs to get clean - I also need to get rid of one of my cats. This didn't do much for the whole self esteem and I've been craving a sympathy, greasy chicken sandwich with mozzeralla sticks and a big fat jug of martinis all day.

I replied to his note with one of my own (how incredibly juvenile of me, but still): Dad - A couple of things ... (1) You are right, I will clean tonight straight after work without going to the gym. (2) Fine. Get rid of my cat. You do it. (3) We need to talk rent. (4) But we will not talk at all today.

I've decided that I simply cannot get ahead in my finances with the rent he charges me (the point of me sucking it up and moving home to begin with) especially if he goes about my supposed "place" as much as he does. We need to come to an agreement that I pay less - now I'm not talking 1/2 of what I do now - I'm talking about the original amount that was agreed to when I moved in. My rent jumped as the weeks got closer to me moving in, having no other option at the end (since I had already left my lease) I just accepted it. It started off at $250, then the week before it was $300, then two days AFTER I moved in it was $350 and now it is $425. I know that seems like a low amount, but I don't get free food or any other perks you remember when you lived with your parents - I get him in my place all the time. With student loan repayments, it will take me 7 months to save if I do not get another job and I will have to be home all the time, which will lead to continued talk of me having no friends and being told I'm home too much. If I do get another job, he will yell that I am not home enough - but I will only have to endure him for a mere three months - of course, this cuts back on my gym routine and will no doubt add to how tired I am in the morning.

With that said, I'm glad I'm headed home tonight and that I don't have food in my fridge. The big battle of the bulge will be fighting the McD's and Taco Bells and Arbys and Wendys and Kopps and Burger Kings, etc on the way home. I'm sure I've gone up (my bigger jeans are fitting perfectly around my hips today) and I have to fight the urge to end the first week with a gain.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Seven Day Recap

Weight: 156

How much to go? 16 - 21 lbs.

Weightloss: So 7 days later I'm in the exact same spot. Nice to see that the weight yesterday was just a fluke though. Action plan for this weekend is LOTS of cardio on the hills and not TOO MANY pit stops at the lodges 1/2 way down the hill :). There won't be any posts since I will be in no where land, but wish me luck on progress!

This morning I got up nice and early! I headed to the gym, 18 minutes of cardio, the chest press, the shoulder press, the seated row, hip abductor, hip adductor and then finished off with another 10 minutes of cardio at level 8! I was so out of breathe it wasn't even funny!

Nothing to eat as of yet, but will be having an apple or two around noon and probably pit stop at a fast food place on the way up for lunch. I swear I will not eat anything deep fried! The nice thing is that my system does not like beef, so that keeps me away from greasy hamburgers!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Day Seven/Afternoon

Weight: 158

How much to go? 19 - 22 lbs.

Weightloss: Okay, I went to the gym over lunch. I'm glad I did it, I feel better now - but it was limited time and I still stepped on that damn scale. That scale was not to happy with me apparently.

I shouldn't make excuses for my weight gain - but I'm going to anyway. I'm blaming it partly on the fact that I didn't weigh myself in the morning and mostly on the fact that I ate horrible yesterday - including drinking too much soda which I need to cut out (Diet Sprite my ass).

So shame on me! I will go back after work tomorrow. I will go tomorrow morning and I will go tomorrow afternoon before heading up to MI. :) That scale will NOT go up again!

Day Seven/AM

Well, the good new is that I got up this morning. The bad news is that I ate WAY too much pizza & nachos at leagues last night that I didn't go to the gym this morning. I tinkering with the idea of taking the day off (after all Fri, Sat, Sun is all skiing which is good cardio) or going over the gym hour, either way - there will be no weighing in today!

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Day Six - Pizza is not my friend.

Weight: 155

How much to go? 16 - 20 lbs.

Weightloss: Success! I got up this morning at a semi-decent time, getting to the gym by 6:30am. 22 minutes of cardio at level 3 and some weight work, then got dressed for work. So that's the good news.

The bad news ... shouldn't have ate all that pizza. Good thing I did the double work out - otherwise that scale would have been more than up by .25lbs.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Day Five/PM - Eek.

I'm not posting my PM weight because I knew better than to do it. You should always weigh yourself at the same time on a set day (again, bad on my part for recording it EVERY day).

Yeah me, though! I went to the gym after work after being blown off by Mr. D. 18 minutes, level 4 cardio. (4) reps of 25 at 40lbs on the chest press, (4) reps of 25 at 35lbs on the row, 100 crunches on the ab machine at 50lbs, (5) reps of 20 on the hip abductor and the same on the adductor and to reward myself, 8 minutes in the tanning bed.

Bad me also, I didn't eat that well today. I had 5 apples to curb my smoking but three pieces of pizza (no wonder the scale tipped) and then finished the night off with grilled zucchini at Outback, no butter but carmel glaze on the side which I LIGHTLY dipped. Good thing I'm not aware of the amount of calories in the pizza or the zucchini because I way over did it today.

Tomorrow is leagues and I'm NOT drinking more than one beer, I'm sticking to water. I'm also going to eat some healthy soup. :)

Let's hope I can wake up tomorrow and burn some of those calories off!

Day Five

Weight: 154.75

How much to go? 15 - 19 lbs.

Weightloss: I am having such an issue getting up in the morning! I need to find a new routine, I'm going to bed at a regular time - I'm getting A LOT of sleep, just can't seem to stop hitting the snooze no matter how far away I put the alarm clock.

Three apples to eat so far today, and with a meeting at 11:30, we are ordering in pizza for lunch. I will behave. No more than one slice - maybe two if I go to the gym after work, but that requires blowing off Mr. D and our date tonight (not such a bad thing as I don't want to be drinking).

I'm becoming more self aware with the weight I'm losing, which sucks. I feel like I'm fatter now that I was thirty pounds ago, every roll seems to embed in my head - the only cure I can see for this is to stay on the ball.

I'm pretty darn proud of my progress this last week. I'm losing at a healthy level and the scale isn't boltering up too much. Today I was only able to get in 18 minutes of cardio - but I upped the level and the sweat dripped off my elbows (great visual, I know). No time for weights, which I need to get on the ball about.

Forgot about the 11:30 meeting, which of course means no gym over lunch.

Goal for the day: Decide what I need more in life - the date with Mr. D or the gym this evening. I'm thinking the gym would be good.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Day Three/Four

Weight: 155.5

How much to go? 16 - 20 lbs.

Weightloss: Yesterday was a bust, I didn't make it to the gym and pigged out over a family breakfast when I visited my mom. The good news is, we spent all day at the local casino and while I'm only down $20, I also didn't really eat - so I didn't consume too many calories, but I do know that wasn't that good either.

I had a hard time waking up this morning, hit the snooze for an hour and a half - but managed to finally pull myself from my warm sheets and high tail it to the gym - only to realize, I didn't have my card.

I worked cardio for 18 minutes, hip abductor for (5) reps of 10 at 60 and then had to get ready for work. On my way out, I was told that if I forget my card again, I'll be penalized. Oops.

Goal for the day: Go home after work and clean - this time for real.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Day Two

Weight: 155.75


How much to go? 16 - 20 lbs.

Weightloss: I got up, had a 3/4 cup of Special K Yogurt and Fruit with skim milk and went to the gym. Prior to the gym I picked up three pubs of reading material to keep me interested in my cardio routine.

I got to the gym, stretched a bit and weighed in at 155.75 - not too bad. I signed up for tanning 2 hours after my start so that I made sure I worked out the entire time. I went to the bikes and started reading, 35 minutes later I decided to do weights after ditching the pubs. On my way back to my locker, I bumped into an old friend and chatted it up a bit for the next hour and fifteen. She left and I only had five minutes for the chest press. Press away I did. (3) Reps of 10 at 50 proved too heavy, so did the (2) reps of 10 a 45 but the (3) reps of 25 at 35 were too light ... it didn't matter, my five minutes were up and I grabbed an old Cosmo and headed to the bed.

Still needing to head to the grocery store for apples and cat food, I had to leave the gym in hopes of getting home to clean up and start on my mental health.

Goal for the day: Clean, don't pig out because you're home. I didn't accomplish this - turns out TV was pretty good - but I did get four loads of laundry done - which requires hiking up and down a flight of stairs and now I have clothes to wear to work.

Fabulous to Note: I read in a magazine that the best way to save money is to not use anything under $5. So if you get singles and change, you put them away to start savings. It's not much - but I do have a whole $6.08 saved this week which is better than the $0 that I had as of last week.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Day One - AM

Weight: 156

Measurements: I gotta buy a tape measure tonight.

How much to go? 16 - 20 lbs.

Weightloss: I admit it, weighing yourself every day is a horrible idea. Why? Because you go up/down throughout the day and it's easy to get discouraged, that's why I'll be positing measurements as well.

I went to the gym this morning, for some reason - I kept feeling like I was going to throw up, perhaps the old people smell that permeates the locker room at 5:30 in the morning. I sucked it up, did bike cardio for 20 minutes; (1) Rep of 15, (1) Rep of 20, (1) Rep of 25 on what I like to call the "Butt Machine;" and (3) Reps of 15 on the shoulder press - until I realized I was in a tank and didn't shave. My sore stomach over came me and I hopped into the shower to see if it would calm down.

Being that I'm single, I don't shave everyday in the winter like I do in the summer so I've dubbed Fridays my "hair removal" day at the gym. My gym has very nice water pressure, so I like to shower there - plus I don't feel so bad being in there for 1/2 hour and the hot water never runs out. I'm trying to dub at least three days a week at the gym something to inspire me to go - and this is Fridays.

So far I've had two apples to eat (small galas) and will probably have another two at lunch, since I forgot to bring mine or I'll stop at Metro and pick up a salad with dressing on the side.

Goal for the day: LEAVE WORK AT 5:00. I was there until 7:00 yesterday. If I leave at 5, I will go to the gym right after and book tomorrow morning for tanning. Now that it's winter, I'm limiting myself to tanning 1-2 times a week at only 10 minutes to maintain my tan.

Helpful Hint: I decided to do this starting 10 lbs ago. When you're 20 away from your goal, wear a bikini in the pool. Self concious? Do it when no one is around. This helps you get comfortable in the suit that you want to wear at your goal. I wear a tank over mine while in the "public" areas and skivvy it off right before entering. If there's a pool, do it once a week, if even to enjoy the hot tub and not to swim laps.

Fabulous to Note: I'm working on the whole mental thing, but one step at a time. I'm going to clean my place this weekend. The more unorganized I am, the worse I feel. The things I don't need, I'm going to pack in boxes to prepare to move out of my dad's house and into a place of my own. Right now, goal is to be out of there by July.

The beginning

This is a blog dedicated to getting fabulous - physically and mentally, we'll call it weightloss with a kick.

As part of the tradtional New Year's resolutions, I've resolved to drop the weight and get my act together on all accounts.

For years I've been like most of you, up and down on a rollercoaster of weightloss. This has always made me self concious - no pictures please. Now, I don't like to blame things on people, but my weight has always been a pressure issue in my family. My sister is thin with curves everywhere you want them and fat no where that you do, which has always made her the "pretty one" in our family of six and me the "smart one." From the get go, I've always sucked in my stomach around her because I feel like I'm a whale. I can remember being really young (around 5 or so) and wishing I was thin like she was. So here started my battle with my weight and it's still an issue that bugs me to this day.

When I was a baby my family aptly referred to me as "Thunder Thighs" a nickname my sister still uses to this day in reference to me. I was the biggest baby out of my family. I had the thick butt and thighs and there was nothing to do about it ... until one day.

When I turned 14 I still had no chest to speak of, then literally I woke up one morning and there they were and my butt was missing. It was almost as though I sat down really hard and all the fat traveled up my body. I went from a 34A to a 36C overnight. Feeling like something was wrong, I started hunching over to hide my breasts, then around 15 I started to be proud of them.

I also got a boyfriend right around the time my breasts came into play - he was the first guy to notice and I dug that. However, he'd tell me all the time that I had a lot of weight to lose. I was a size 10 at the time and became extremely concious of what went into my body. I heard smoking would help me lose weight, I picked up the habit but it didn't work. I heard coke would help, so I started snorting it to no avail. Then came the time I'm most ashamed of, with no other options I became bulimic. Here's the thing, I was reading an article in a teen pub about how UNHEALTHY bulimia was and something didn't click in my brain, I thought - it might be unhealthy, but she's thin and I won't get too thin - I'll just do it until he thinks I look good. This is how serum of Ipecac became my best friend over the next two years. Every day I would run, eat and purge but everytime I looked in the mirror I saw fat.

I put on weight my senior year after kicking the drug habit and after I decided that bulimia was unhealthy. I wanted to start college off right and that meant no vices. I went away to college, away from the boyfriend and my sister and got very involved in activities - I was happy, but I also put on the freshman 30 (I've always been an overachiever ...).

At the end of my freshman year, my boyfriend told me I needed to move home or he'd leave me, convinced I'd never find anything better - I did so on the condition that he wouldn't pressure me about my weight. So back to Milwaukee I traveled. I moved into my first apartment and worked two jobs along with going to school fulltime. We got engaged, all was well until the pressure to find a wedding dress kicked in. I tried to eat right and it didn't help, finally I decided I was always going to be 185 and that was just it - I needed to accept it.

Two months later I walked in on my boyfriend screwing a co-worker and all the thoughts about me not being pretty enough or thin enough kicked in. I stayed with him for another three months after the incident, but called off the engagement shortly there after. We moved into seperate places and the restaurant where I worked got a gym membership. I be-friended my manager who was incredibly gorgeous and we became gym buddies. Three months later I was down to 145 and feeling awesome.

I became obsessed with the gym, I was there every morning and every night. I was losing weight and feeling great. By the end of summer I was 133 - something I hadn't been since freshman year in high school! It was great. For the next two years I continued the gym experience, finally plateauing to a healthy 140. I worked out, ate what I wanted and felt awesome. I had been single for two years and finally got a rock and roll boyfriend.

This was a dangerous move, because it was the cycle with the ex-boyfriend all over again. He was very into looks and drugs, I started to dabble again and I put on weight, he made sure to tell me how horrible I looked on a daily basis after 8 months, he suggested I try bulimia. I went to the drug store and picked up my old best friend. We had nachos and I downed 1/4 of the bottle, sat in the shower and puked my brains out. As I laid hunched over in tears I thought "What am I doing?" I kept the bottle on hand, but never used it again. He had to accept me for who I was - I wasn't doing this again. After six more months, we broke up because he just wasn't healthy for me.

I started a job at my advertising agency in October 2004. I was hired in November for fulltime. Included in my position was a free one year membership to the health club we did work for. I stared at the card for three months until we got a new employee who was around my size. We joined together in March and I started working out again.

March 2005 I weighed 195 lbs. I wasn't as obsessed as I had been, but then I moved closer to the gym and started the AM/PM thing again. I got a system down - I would go in the morning, sign up to tan at night and I'd go back. Not only did I really start losing, but I also was looking healthy with a tan.

As of today, I am 155 and would like to lose 15-20 lbs more. My clothes don't fit anymore and my DD breasts are now a B - but most importantly I FEEL good. My confidence is back and it's only going to get better after today!