Last night was bad, bad, bad. I have to remember that pizza is a weakness and undoubtley will cause my weight gain to go up but I still ate a piece and a half while lounging and watching TV at my mom's then went home. I'm trying to keep in the right mind set so I was cleaning up my bathroom. In one of the drawers I found a bulky emergency kit that I had never opened and decided to get rid of it and just put the elements in the cabinet. There it was, a small bottle of Ipecac. I sat on the floor with it in my hand and thought that I could get rid of the pizza in five minutes.
I started the shower and sat on the floor fondling the bottle but (thank god!) I had a flashback from two years ago doing the exact same thing - right before my realization that I couldn't keep doing that to my body and it wasn't worth the quick fix. I threw the bottle out. The wheel might be broken, but at least it's fixable.
I am so ashamed that I even thought about it last night. I've hit rock bottom and I can feel it. For the first time in two years I thought about all the bad things I could do to myself at that moment just to forget everything that was going on. One line of coke, one joint, one shot. Thank goodness that I don't talk to anyone with access to those things anymore. I laid awake in bed and ignored the 200 phone calls that I received in ten minutes. I just needed a break from everything. I went to bed at 10 and tossed and turned all night.
When I woke up this morning I hit the alarm six times - a total of an hour. Then I conned myself into actually getting out of bed. A sharp pain went through my leg - too much on the old knee cap and for a minute I thought I could go back to sleep and skip the gym. Then I thought about my goals. I knew I would be up on the scale, should I let that win? I didn't let my past conqueor me last night and I wouldn't let a sore knee do that to me. Plus, maybe it was just stiff? So I got out of bed, put on my "skinny" sweater and headed to the gym.
Scale said 155.25, that's a gain. Knee was sore (not stiff) so I cranked out 24 minutes on the bike at level one. I was dripping wet. No weights, but I signed up to go back after work and I might try to go over lunch.