The beginning

This is a blog dedicated to getting fabulous - physically and mentally, we'll call it weightloss with a kick.

As part of the tradtional New Year's resolutions, I've resolved to drop the weight and get my act together on all accounts.

For years I've been like most of you, up and down on a rollercoaster of weightloss. This has always made me self concious - no pictures please. Now, I don't like to blame things on people, but my weight has always been a pressure issue in my family. My sister is thin with curves everywhere you want them and fat no where that you do, which has always made her the "pretty one" in our family of six and me the "smart one." From the get go, I've always sucked in my stomach around her because I feel like I'm a whale. I can remember being really young (around 5 or so) and wishing I was thin like she was. So here started my battle with my weight and it's still an issue that bugs me to this day.

When I was a baby my family aptly referred to me as "Thunder Thighs" a nickname my sister still uses to this day in reference to me. I was the biggest baby out of my family. I had the thick butt and thighs and there was nothing to do about it ... until one day.

When I turned 14 I still had no chest to speak of, then literally I woke up one morning and there they were and my butt was missing. It was almost as though I sat down really hard and all the fat traveled up my body. I went from a 34A to a 36C overnight. Feeling like something was wrong, I started hunching over to hide my breasts, then around 15 I started to be proud of them.

I also got a boyfriend right around the time my breasts came into play - he was the first guy to notice and I dug that. However, he'd tell me all the time that I had a lot of weight to lose. I was a size 10 at the time and became extremely concious of what went into my body. I heard smoking would help me lose weight, I picked up the habit but it didn't work. I heard coke would help, so I started snorting it to no avail. Then came the time I'm most ashamed of, with no other options I became bulimic. Here's the thing, I was reading an article in a teen pub about how UNHEALTHY bulimia was and something didn't click in my brain, I thought - it might be unhealthy, but she's thin and I won't get too thin - I'll just do it until he thinks I look good. This is how serum of Ipecac became my best friend over the next two years. Every day I would run, eat and purge but everytime I looked in the mirror I saw fat.

I put on weight my senior year after kicking the drug habit and after I decided that bulimia was unhealthy. I wanted to start college off right and that meant no vices. I went away to college, away from the boyfriend and my sister and got very involved in activities - I was happy, but I also put on the freshman 30 (I've always been an overachiever ...).

At the end of my freshman year, my boyfriend told me I needed to move home or he'd leave me, convinced I'd never find anything better - I did so on the condition that he wouldn't pressure me about my weight. So back to Milwaukee I traveled. I moved into my first apartment and worked two jobs along with going to school fulltime. We got engaged, all was well until the pressure to find a wedding dress kicked in. I tried to eat right and it didn't help, finally I decided I was always going to be 185 and that was just it - I needed to accept it.

Two months later I walked in on my boyfriend screwing a co-worker and all the thoughts about me not being pretty enough or thin enough kicked in. I stayed with him for another three months after the incident, but called off the engagement shortly there after. We moved into seperate places and the restaurant where I worked got a gym membership. I be-friended my manager who was incredibly gorgeous and we became gym buddies. Three months later I was down to 145 and feeling awesome.

I became obsessed with the gym, I was there every morning and every night. I was losing weight and feeling great. By the end of summer I was 133 - something I hadn't been since freshman year in high school! It was great. For the next two years I continued the gym experience, finally plateauing to a healthy 140. I worked out, ate what I wanted and felt awesome. I had been single for two years and finally got a rock and roll boyfriend.

This was a dangerous move, because it was the cycle with the ex-boyfriend all over again. He was very into looks and drugs, I started to dabble again and I put on weight, he made sure to tell me how horrible I looked on a daily basis after 8 months, he suggested I try bulimia. I went to the drug store and picked up my old best friend. We had nachos and I downed 1/4 of the bottle, sat in the shower and puked my brains out. As I laid hunched over in tears I thought "What am I doing?" I kept the bottle on hand, but never used it again. He had to accept me for who I was - I wasn't doing this again. After six more months, we broke up because he just wasn't healthy for me.

I started a job at my advertising agency in October 2004. I was hired in November for fulltime. Included in my position was a free one year membership to the health club we did work for. I stared at the card for three months until we got a new employee who was around my size. We joined together in March and I started working out again.

March 2005 I weighed 195 lbs. I wasn't as obsessed as I had been, but then I moved closer to the gym and started the AM/PM thing again. I got a system down - I would go in the morning, sign up to tan at night and I'd go back. Not only did I really start losing, but I also was looking healthy with a tan.

As of today, I am 155 and would like to lose 15-20 lbs more. My clothes don't fit anymore and my DD breasts are now a B - but most importantly I FEEL good. My confidence is back and it's only going to get better after today!